This year has been … Hard.
It wasn’t for the typical reasons, rather this year has been hard on my mental health- my anxiety. Anxiety has had a huge knock-on effect on my confidence and self-esteem as a person. I have developed a voice in my head that’s made me feel like I can’t, I won’t, it’s not possible; the small part of me that’s been depressed has allowed myself to believe these ideas.
Even though I know I CAN.. the things/events that took place reaffirmed my weakness and have made me scared to try. I am scared and I don’t even know why!
This year I have watched my beautiful boy grow. He who brings so much joy and happiness into my life and makes me smile so so much. He’s been a true blessing in my life. I was also blessed with another boy who is such a little miracle. He’s gorgeous and healthy and perfect in every way! Alhamdulillah (thanks be to God) I have so much love to give and so much happiness to experience through them.
However, this year I watched myself get anxious again, I watched myself withdraw a little bit more from the world into my own and have seen small specs of depression creeping in. My anxiety was mostly hormonal which made it even harder for me to overcome. My panic attacks made a huge dent in my confidence in my ability to control and overcome my mental health.
In the upcoming year, I would like to be …happier!
Not through my kids or my work or anything external but to be truly happy and content in my own skin, from the inside. I want to overcome my anxiety once again and be confident and have better self-esteem so my children can have a strong and happy role model to look up to. I want to feel strong again like I can conquer the world if I put my mind to it (I remember that feeling and am jealous of my past self for having felt like that). I have a tendency to want to be strong for others (my kids, my husband, my mum, my brother) and I forget about being strong for myself.
I want to work and explore my creativity again and feel like the old Minaz. I want to laugh out loud and experience the joy the world has to offer in a more present way.
I want to make friendships that make me feel fulfilled and alive and supported and happy. I feel like I massively lack that in my life now. I really do have amazing friends, but everyone is so busy in their own life. I don’t know anyone I could pick up the phone to, just for a chat. Rather I haven’t enabled myself to be available like that even when the opportunity was there. I would like to have friends who reciprocate my actions and emotions and are there just as much as I am there for them. So this year, I want to be social, I want to make friends and enhance the friendships that I have.
Finally, I want this year to be the one where I finally get my act together and become a more conscientious Muslim. To pray more, to pray on time, to go to the mosque more and just be all around more involved in my own spiritual growth.
I want this year to be about SELF GROWTH, SPIRITUAL GROWTH, HAPPINESS and bringing back confident Minaz back.
Regardless of how my year has been I am grateful for the people in my life, I am thankful for the countless blessings that have been bestowed upon me and hope that if you’ve had a hard year too, what I wrote above makes you feel like you are not alone in whatever you are facing.
Remember after hardship comes ease. Whatever happens in life happens for a reason. 10% of life is what happens to you and 90% is how you react to it.